When I was pregnant I read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” about 100 times.
After the kids were born I read the rest of the books in the series.
I had subscriptions to all of the big parenting magazines.
I tried to prepare myself for any situation that might occur.
But there are moments that the parenting experts never prepare you for.
Maybe “Mommy McPerfect Pants” can deal with these situations perfectly.
But I’m no perfect mother.
I try to handle these situations as best I can.
I try not to panic.
I try not to freak out.
I just try to deal.
When The Parenting Experts Failed Me
1. What to do when your kid gets sick…very sick
We were at a nice seafood restaurant.
The kids were enjoying soda and their shrimp dinner.
The Girl looks over at me with that look.
The look that warns a mom she only has a few seconds.
I grab a napkin. (they have cloth ones there)
But one napkin wasn’t enough.
She didn’t just vomit…she exploded…everywhere!!
Fothermucker.
Lesson Learned:
Don’t go back to that restaurant.
They might spit in our food.
2. What to do when your kid gets hooked
We were fishing at a local lake when the wind started picking up.
I look over and The Kid is screaming and The Girl is hiding behind a tree.
The Kid has a fish hook stuck to his nose…or stuck in his nose.
The girl had been holding the pole and “caught” her brother.
Son of a monkey’s uncle.
Lesson Learned:
Hospital ER’s don’t have tools strong enough to remove a fish hook.
Hospital janitor tool rooms have tools strong enough.
Hospital janitor tools cost the same to use as regular ER tools.
3. What to do when you forget your kid’s pet
When we sold our first home the new owners wanted to move in quickly.
We were rushed to pack up all our crap stuff and get it into storage.
At the actual closing we still had a broken down U-haul parked in the driveway.
As it turns out I accidentally put The Kid’s pet fish in the storage unit.
Damn it all to heck
Lesson Learned:
Fish don’t survive well in unheated storage units.
In January.
In Colorado.
4. What to do when your kid’s favorite word is fagina
I try to be that mom who will discuss anything with my kids.
Anything…but not anytime.
For example, driving to the library is not the best time for this discussion.
Kid: Ttoday in Growth (AKA puberty class) we learned about my favorite word.
Mom: Great…what’s your favorite word?
Kid: Um….vagina.
Mom: Your favorite word is (*gasp*) Vagina?
Kid: No. Fagina.
Mom: What? (Please tell me I don’t have to explain to him it’s not fagina)
Kid: I liked it when I thought it was Fagina. See, fagina, vagina, fagina, vagina…doesn’t fagina sound better.
Mom: Well, it’s not fagina and we don’t need to discuss that now.
Kid: (*snickers* He enjoys making mom nervous) Just saying..fagina sounds better.
Mom: How come dad always misses these conversations?
Lesson Learned:
Make sure he knows it’s not fenis or freast.
5. What to do when your girl repeats everything she hears
As we step into the library (after having above conversation) 7-year-old Girl asks:
Mom, what’s a fagina vagina?
Lesson Learned:
Crap. Shoot me now!
The parts of motherhood the parenting experts don’t warn you about!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
OUCH! Luckily, we haven’t actually hooked an eye yet, though we’ve had several close calls. We use very tiny fish hooks, though, since we aim to avoid catching very large fish, so I like to think they wouldn’t be impossible to remove. Nonetheless, it’s not something I’d like to have to do myself — or let the janitor’s tools do!
MommyTime’s last blog post..Longer than a Tweet but Shorter than a Blog Post, 2.0
LOL those last two were freakin’ hilarious.
kids sure do say the darndest things!
crunchy domestic goddess (amy)’s last blog post..My road to recovery from Generalized Anxiety Disorder